The things we write...

I found myself on the floor with four 8 year-olds yesterday during recess. I'm supposed to be overseeing the children as they play, however one thing led to the next, and I found myself on the floor, legs crossed, being asked a million questions about my music.

"You write songs?"

"Yes, I do."

"About what?"

"Many things."

"Like?"

"Like...love, loss, people, forgiveness..."

"What do you write about love?"

It was a fairly simple question. But I really struggled to answer it. I told them I write about love and how beautiful it is, but also about how some people don't know how to take care of it, so we have to surround ourselves with people who appreciate it as much as we do. It seemed like such simple answer to give, and I reassessed it when I gave it to the girls, to make sure it came out right. As they dispersed back into mayhem, I got up and thought about what I had said.

It's funny.

Why do we give our hearts to people who don't deserve it? Furthermore, why do we hope that people will change? Or imagine them to be different?

I went back last night, and poured over my lyrics, reading things like "I wish you well" and "So easy for you to walk away" and "words are nothing but a way to exhale" and even my most recent work, "as soon as we peel back the covering, we see something that is ugly, or missing, or incomplete." And then it hit me. I write about how people don't take care of love. And my message is to stay away from those kinds of people. And yet...I don't do that.

Whether it's knowingly, or unknowingly, I gravitate towards people who cause pain. And it made me wonder. Is it because that feeds my creative energy? And people are more likely to be touched by pain than love in music, because suffering is the human condition? Or do I have my own issues that I need to deal with?

Maybe both?

I don't know.

In Love With Two People?

Let me ask you a question: Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

Now mind you, I've always thought the possibility of loving two people simultaneously was absolutely ridiculous. I mean how can your heart beat wildly for two different people, your face grow hot for two different people, your stomach ache for two different people? I've always been with the "fall in love with one, forever" school of thought, but after one conversation, one experience, one gut feeling, and one stupid third installment of a movie series later, I am reconsidering.

See the thing is, I think that people come together and part ways, fall in and out of love, but all in all, keep moving forward. They tell the same stories, sometimes even the same jokes, just with different people. But they carry their stories with them through it all. So let's say I fall in love with someone, and I share my life with them -- you know, those stories we repeat about family, friends, where we've lived, etc., and it doesn't work out. Then sometime later, I meet someone else. And I share these same stories, just with a different person. However, sharing them with a different person makes it new somehow. Know what I mean? But you still have your past. That never really goes away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes...we find different parts of ourselves with different people. And I think ultimately, after all of the confusion, heartache, and mistakes, we make a choice. What is this choice? I think most of the time we haven't got a clue until we make it. But I think that that choice has to do with how well the other person fits us. How that person fits who we are. NOT who we want to be, or who we want to be FOR them. Just for us. As we are. No changes, no alterations...just us.

However, even though I believe that a person can have feelings for two different people, I think that deep down, one of those two wins out in the end. I think that if that person were forced to choose right then and there, life or death, kiss or never be kissed, they would make a choice...a choice that was obvious for everyone on the outside, just not for the people on the inside.

So do some people look back and wonder? How about that guy dancing with his wife on their 25th anniversary, whose mind involuntarily wanders to that bus ticket he never used? Or that girl whose married with two children, who in the middle of her grant proposal thinks about that date she never went on, with that amazing guy she had met unexpectedly? We all do it. We all wonder. We all have our "what if". However I think that if forced to choose, we would make that decision, thereby disproving that there is equilibrium between feelings for two people. The scale would tip in favor of "the one" we decide on. Then we'd know.

So is it possible to be in love with two people? Yeah, I think you can be. But I also believe that you love one a bit more than the other. Just enough to make you choose, when you absolutely must.

The Box

Today I received a box

That I had sent months ago

It was a pretty, pretty box

That held things that no one knows

The box has stars and things

Really a box within a box

A pretty, pretty box, with goodies and strings

Holding sweetness, love, and clocks

The box contained a letter

A letter that was never read

A letter that held a promise

Of things that were never said

I sat beneath the sun

With the box, packaging and such

And began to throw out the things

That had once meant so much

I read the letter one more time

Words I thought other eyes would see

But alas, they were never read

By anyone else but me

I ripped the letter slowly

As I watched children play

And folded the gift paper gently

To use for another day

I kept the pretty box

It was too pretty to throw away

Perhaps I'll use it another time

Anytime but today

Things I Learned Today

Today, I spent the day with my best friend, her husband, and her family. We went upstate to a beautiful commercial village where bored people go to spend money on stupid things. Here are some things I learned today:

1) Life changing events are not things that happen in a crescendo of sound and music and dramatic camera angles. They happen in small moments, in nonchalant comments, in passing suggestions, in the blink of an eye, or in the skip of a heartbeat. Or both.

2) Pizza is not overrated.

3) I can blink back tears quite successfully, but I cannot effectively hide how I'm feeling inside.

4) Scenery can actually become visibly duller when you hear something you didn't want to hear.

5) As sad as some things are, and as horrible as some things are, it always catches me off guard how I am not surprised by the cruelty of people, by the way they take advantage, or by their constant short comings. And that is truly sad.

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." - Robert C. Gallagher

Let's hope so. Otherwise, this is getting old. And so am I.

Hi my name is **** and I'm a...Facebook-aholic?

Ok, so I wouldn't write about this if it wasn't so momentous:

I deactivated Facebook for 24 hours, the night before last.

I wasn't spending an insane amount of time on it or anything. Or even finding it difficult to get off. However, for some personal reasons, I decided to deactivate, and disconnect from the world in general for a day.

I must say that it was liberating. It felt good not being a slave to the social wires that seemed to continuously tug at my brain, no matter what I was doing. I moved more freely, and thought less about things that had been bothering me.

But I thought more about Facebook. And that's when it hit me: I have a soft addiction for Facebook, and the Internet in general.

As I was doing my daily laps in the pool, I began thinking about my routine last semester. I left my house about 20 minutes early to get to campus, so that I could go to Starbucks, get my tall, non-fat mocha with whip, go into the faculty lounge, and check "my stuff". And if traffic held me up, I would get seriously upset that I couldn't have my "computer" time. Oh, and if things got busy during the day for some reason? And I couldn't check my e-mail in the middle of the day? Oh forget about it! One time, I got so irate, as I was squealing "I haven't checked my e-mail all day, this is ridiculous!" I realized how ridiculous I was sounding.

So is it an addiction really, or do I just cherish my "me" time at the beginning of the day? Possibly, it's a little bit of both.

But I must say that when I reactivated last night, it felt good. I only stayed on for minutes, but the access itself was reassuring.

I felt connected again. And if you think about that, that is a scary thing.

It Burns

It burns
Like a cold fire
In a place you cannot see
In a place you cannot reach

It hurts
Like vicious words unexpected
Like tears that come unelected
Like betrayal from an unlikely source
Like a pretty dream that was just a dream

It stings
Like the first tears to leave your eyes
Like water in a wound
Like pain that you weren’t bracing yourself against

It’s expected
Like the calm before a storm
Like the sun in the morning
Like the darkness at night

But still it burns
Like the words that were said
In a memory that was bred
To be forever repeating
In your pretty little head

Changes

It's weird.

There are some changes in life that are so definite, that you know that you can never go back to the way things were before that change.

This weekend, my cousin got married. And although we spent the day before running around, giggling, tearing up, I didn't realize then that that was the last time it would be like this, in this way. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like the time when my other cousin told me that things would always be different once she got married, and I was horrified and saddened. I mean it's one of those things where this cousin and I always made wacky plans to meet spontaneously, hook up in different states, and just craziness. It was never easy, because we currently -- I mean used to -- live 7 hours apart (a drive). Now, we will be 18 hours apart (which was like before really, when she was doing her undergrad), but she's gonna be married. And although we promised each other we would still be silly and do fun things, I couldn't help but realize just a few minutes ago, as I was standing in her empty room, the gap that her lack of presence was leaving behind. I turned to my right and saw her wedding dress hanging in the closet. I looked to my left and saw one of her guitars leaning against the wall. I saw the movies we had watched together on top of her TV. And I saw her yoga mat on the floor. And I think that's when it hit me. Things would never be the same again.

And I felt like a mom!! Haha, I felt like her baby self was gone, and that the next time I see her, she would be different. And I say this without an ounce of sadness although it might seem like that. But as I was wiping my eyes like an idiot, I was overwhelmed with love and a feeling I can't describe. Most likely happiness. Also most likely missing her already.

I go back to Philadelphia in a couple of hours and I'm going straight to my best friend's house, who is getting married this Sunday inshaa Allah. And I can't help but hope that it won't be as hard as this wedding. I don't think I can take so much emotional drama within a two week period :)

8 Things I Learned in North Carolina

I took a spontaneous trip to North Carolina this weekend. I jammed with my cousin, ate out at too many places, had too much sugar, and listened to some awesome bands preform. Besides that, the trip did something I didn't expect it to do. Here are some things I learned while in North Carolina:

1) I had always known my cousin was a wonderful conversationalist, but I never experienced conversations as wonderful as that ones we had while I was there this weekend. She was kind, thoughtful, and amazingly present in the moment with me. I will appreciate her kindness this weekend for the rest of my life.

2) Live music doesn't necessarily sound so great on a CD :)

3) Don't compliment the bass player. Never compliment the bass player.

4) Sometimes we have to make difficult choices, even when seemingly, there are no choices to be made.

5) Just because he looks good on paper, doesn't mean he's good for you.

6) In relationships, there are fundamental similarities that have to be present in order for the relationship to work. Sometimes time apart, sheds light on those fundamental necessities (or lack thereof), thereby making you see things differently. I saw things differently this weekend.

7) Next time I fall for someone, I'll make sure I'm not settling. I also won't be the only one doing the compromising.

8) And life is GOOD. Music is GOOD. and God is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful. I have faith in His plan, and look forward to what is to come.

:)

Faults

My name is mona and I have a problem.

I am super needy.

Now, you may think that this would be a difficult thing for me to admit, but it really isn't. I know exactly what my faults are. Completely. Matter of fact, I'll list them for you:

1) I have a horrible temper (that I cover up with a smile and a poisonous dose of internalization)

2) I am insecure (but you'd never be able to tell)

3) I am needy (although I show the opposite of that by ignoring you, not calling you, or basically pretending that you don't exist for a while)

4) I am a control freak (but I appear to be easy going even though I'm screaming inside because you can't do it right)

There are many others, but I'll spare you the details. My point is you never really know who a person is unless you interact with them and get to know them. I find myself at a crossroads everyday, thinking about interactions I have with people, as I get to know them. Are they genuine? Are they being sincere?

Are they worth it?

Another one of my many faults is a damp, cold fear I have in the bit of my stomach of making mistakes. The constant pressure to succeed and be the best (placed by myself, on myself, and by no one else to be honest) takes its toll. And instead of risking making a mistake, I'll pre-emptively take action. Which is also another one of my faults.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that tonight I find myself at a crossroads from thinking too much, because I'd rather not deal with pressing matters, and think about things that aren't pressing at all (realistically)...but they are...to me. And as I ponder pre-emptive action, I can't help but be afraid. However this time, it is not a fear of making a mistake. It is a fear of making a decision, and having that decision be the mistake.

Hi, I'm mona and I have a problem. A big one. And that problem is me.

Oh boy...

These are the types of posts I usually regret.

The types that hold memories of better times, during the worst of times, and hurt like hell if I come across them in the future, when things go to shit.

But oh boy...

I have never been so not scared in my life. Every event becomes a conversation we will have, every incident becomes an anecdote to be analyzed in confidence. Every laugh is missing something if it isn't shared, and every thought is linked to the next moment of connection.

Oh boy...

I have always outwardly expressed that when it comes to love, I'm not really sure what it is. Is it butterflies? Tongue-tied to the point of sounding like you have a speech impediment? Or is it a thought process that goes a mile a minute, a heartbeat that races a mile a second?

Because if that's what it is, that is not what I'm currently feeling. Because what I am feeling right now is a quietly brilliant bond between hearts. A stimulating dialogue that doesn't need words, although it often contains them. A dull ache taking refuge in a deep, intangible part of my being. A gentle whisper of something not only growing into the sky, but laying down deep roots into soft, earthy ground.

My heart does jump though if I'm being honest. Oh no. This is so not good...

%$#@^&*%

Two things have irked me within the past 24 hours.

The first is how people are genetically programmed to disappoint you. I'm serious! Don't you know that one person that you keep hoping would change, but never does? Instead, you are provided with excuses in the form of pseudo-valid reasons, empty apologies, and if you are REALLY lucky, a slick turning of the tables to make it seem like it's YOUR fault for even thinking of feeling the way that you do, about whatever the hell it is. What irks me the most is my undying belief in the greater good, in the philosophy that "someday, they will come around." Talk about fool me twice. Or a hundred times, actually.

Second, I am severely SEVERELY upset with the constant back and forth between myself and people that shall remain nameless. I am exhausted by the mere circumstances that we find ourselves in, and drained by the effort it takes to not only make myself feel okay, but to make them feel okay too. And I care too much. Which makes it worse. I think that's what makes it so hard.

Such an incomplete jumble of thoughts. But there it is, as messy in it's virtual nature as it is in my head. Bleh.

Vision

I bit my tongue so hard today that I almost bled.

And it wasn't because I take pleasure in hurting myself. I was trying to stop the tears from clouding my vision into oblivion as I watched my best friend try on her first wedding dress. That's when it hit me. As I was looking at her, I realized the true meaning of the words, "Life is a gift." Here she was, experiencing this magnificent moment of getting ready to spend the rest of her life with the person she loved most in the world. A man who I know based on my own witnessing will take care of her as long as they both shall live (no pun intended). And not just in the obligatory sort of way, but in the way that gives without expecting to take in return. I envisioned their children and their life together as they grow older. Life truly is a gift. This was the perfect example of what we don't see, when we are out of touch with the blessing around us.

And life is not merely a gift, but it is also an adventure. I think of how my mother moved across the world by herself to complete her degree in a completely foreign land. I think of her having three kids, watching them grow and being a part of their accomplishments and success. Life is such an adventure; in all it's impatience, craziness, heartbreak, and beauty. It is so beautiful.

And as I stood there, facing a side mirror pretending to fix eyeliner that had "seeped" into my eye, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I almost spontaneously combusted. And in that moment, I thanked God in the quietest, most secluded part of my heart. I thanked Him because I don't do it enough. And I thanked Him for letting me sneak a peak at the true beauty of the gift He bestowed upon us, in the form of a rock solid example, of Life and one of it's smallest of miracles.