That Song

Have you ever heard a song that makes your heart break?

It begins as you're undoubtedly tapping your feet and slightly bobbing your head to a song you're listening to. Something about the beat forces your hips to sway (usually in the confinement of a chair, or worse, into someone who is sitting next to you on a bus or a train), or something about the melody makes the corners of your lips turn up just so.

Once the glorious arrangement of chords in music fades, in comes a transition you did not expect. Your iPod is on shuffle after all; it shouldn't really be a surprise. Oh but still, your breath catches in the back of your throat, your facial expression tenses just so. The song begins it's familiar tones, slow at first, or at least seemingly that way. A solo you have memorized despite yourself, forever engrained into the depths of your mind and the tips of your fingers.

You breathe in but it doesn't go in all the way. Something makes it stop. And despite yourself once again, memories rush back. Not in perfect arrangement or chronological fashion, but jarred and snippet-like. Laughter, anger, pain, longing, anger, hurt, smiles, thoughts, dreams. The worst are the dreams. So you force your eyes shut against the harsh reality and pretend for just a moment to transcend back in time to a place when things were different. The solo gives away to the real beginning of the song and against your own will, you give in to the music, that familiar, familiar music for just a moment. After all, you deserve that much.

Then you force your thumb to the skip button and transition to another one of your favorites; only this time memories aren't dripping from every note. You try to breath in once again, and this time, it's a little bit better. You try to move forward in your mind, but you catch a reflection in the window and you see that frowns still frame your eyebrows, pain still reflects in your eyes, and tension still possesses your lips. And you are angry with yourself.

Because your heart still breaks when you hear that song.

Run and Hide Refugee

In my younger years (i.e. 3 years ago) and even before that, I was the girl who believed in everyone. Not in a silly gullible way, but with a profound and rooted belief in the basic good of people. This foundation has always been enough of a reason for me when dealing with anyone. People are basically good, and if they act otherwise, it is due to a brief moment of weakness or bad influence, however it is not who they are. Never is it who they really are!

However, one overseas trip, one lost best friend, and two heartbreaks later, I must admit that things aren't quite as crystal clear as they used to be. I have become suspicious. I jump to negative conclusions instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. I instantaneously question the motives of others and have to manually step back and force myself to think otherwise.

And it makes me sad.

It makes me sad because it's a lie. I am not this person. However, I have created this facet of myself to defend against that brief moment of weakness, that bad influence that emanates from certain people. It's the only way to keep that shred of what I used to believe in alive; on a shelf tucked away, protected from the world.

However in a way, it's comforting.

It's comforting that I know this. This awareness is better than a big fat question mark as to why I have become this way. It's comforting to know that this is not a permanent change per say, but a tool to deal when I need to deal with, right now.

But oh how I would love to put that tool on the shelf, tuck it away, never to use again. I miss believing in everyone.

The Reason

It's interesting to find

I am blind to the fact

That I still think of you in my sleep

And it irks me to think

As I blink and I swear

That the hurt wasn't really that deep

Wide eyes and a smile

As I think for a while

Before I catch myself and step back

From a day like today

When things were okay

And my heart didn't function with a crack

Tears that pretend

They will mend what is now

Still here, still alive, still true

Even though I never say

Nor do my lips betray

A pride more important than you

A kiss is never worth

The heavens and the earth

Though forever is a possibility

But not enough to shake

What I know when I'm awake

Something that you will never see

So I'll sleep and I'll dream

And redeem you in the depths

But only to clear away the lie

For when I open my eyes

No sighs will conflict

And muted is the lull of why

Drums, here it comes

I'm trying to prove that young people listen to pop music for more than just a good melody, beat, or rhythm. That is my entire argument that I will do my best to prove within the next two years.

...and yet, I just took a breathing break from jumping around my room to "I Kissed a Girl". Knowing who I am...what does THAT say?