Something Amazing

"You know," she turned around to face me in the line, "I think this year is gonna be good for us." She smiled in a way that made me believe it. An internal churning began with a little stomach flip. The espresso aroma seemed more powerful in that moment as we waited for our drinks; the colors more vivid. "Really?" I asked. "Really," she responded with quiet confidence, "just you wait and see."

That was exactly one year ago, December 19, 2008. It was a bitter cold evening after work, and we chose to get coffee instead of dinner. It was that kind of day. Leave it to caffeine to be the Muslim girl's crutch.

Since that conversation, I found that I have been mentally cataloging certain things that have happened over the year. February, when my music received recognition on MySpace. May, the contract, my spontaneous Egypt trip that changed everything, and my getaway trip to Chicago where the silence and many miles of walking were therapeutic; almost a rite of passage to process my trip to the homeland. July, an ending and beginning of many things: my aunt and cousins, laughter and tears. August, a romantic vacation where I finally gave in to many thoughts I'd been having. September, heartbreak (of a different kind) and yet another new beginning, and the past three months being a combination of self-realization, actualization, and rediscovery.

Since our conversation, my friend has experienced her own share of changes, and it truly is something amazing. Because as we look back on the year together, we realize how much change has actually occurred. And that's probably how it's like every year. We go through these changes, but never take the time to truly acknowledge our blessings, our milestones, and even some things that we considered failures, but later realize that they were successes in disguise.

"God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, he gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you're meant to be."

I can't help but wonder: what will I write one year from today?

That Song

Have you ever heard a song that makes your heart break?

It begins as you're undoubtedly tapping your feet and slightly bobbing your head to a song you're listening to. Something about the beat forces your hips to sway (usually in the confinement of a chair, or worse, into someone who is sitting next to you on a bus or a train), or something about the melody makes the corners of your lips turn up just so.

Once the glorious arrangement of chords in music fades, in comes a transition you did not expect. Your iPod is on shuffle after all; it shouldn't really be a surprise. Oh but still, your breath catches in the back of your throat, your facial expression tenses just so. The song begins it's familiar tones, slow at first, or at least seemingly that way. A solo you have memorized despite yourself, forever engrained into the depths of your mind and the tips of your fingers.

You breathe in but it doesn't go in all the way. Something makes it stop. And despite yourself once again, memories rush back. Not in perfect arrangement or chronological fashion, but jarred and snippet-like. Laughter, anger, pain, longing, anger, hurt, smiles, thoughts, dreams. The worst are the dreams. So you force your eyes shut against the harsh reality and pretend for just a moment to transcend back in time to a place when things were different. The solo gives away to the real beginning of the song and against your own will, you give in to the music, that familiar, familiar music for just a moment. After all, you deserve that much.

Then you force your thumb to the skip button and transition to another one of your favorites; only this time memories aren't dripping from every note. You try to breath in once again, and this time, it's a little bit better. You try to move forward in your mind, but you catch a reflection in the window and you see that frowns still frame your eyebrows, pain still reflects in your eyes, and tension still possesses your lips. And you are angry with yourself.

Because your heart still breaks when you hear that song.

Run and Hide Refugee

In my younger years (i.e. 3 years ago) and even before that, I was the girl who believed in everyone. Not in a silly gullible way, but with a profound and rooted belief in the basic good of people. This foundation has always been enough of a reason for me when dealing with anyone. People are basically good, and if they act otherwise, it is due to a brief moment of weakness or bad influence, however it is not who they are. Never is it who they really are!

However, one overseas trip, one lost best friend, and two heartbreaks later, I must admit that things aren't quite as crystal clear as they used to be. I have become suspicious. I jump to negative conclusions instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. I instantaneously question the motives of others and have to manually step back and force myself to think otherwise.

And it makes me sad.

It makes me sad because it's a lie. I am not this person. However, I have created this facet of myself to defend against that brief moment of weakness, that bad influence that emanates from certain people. It's the only way to keep that shred of what I used to believe in alive; on a shelf tucked away, protected from the world.

However in a way, it's comforting.

It's comforting that I know this. This awareness is better than a big fat question mark as to why I have become this way. It's comforting to know that this is not a permanent change per say, but a tool to deal when I need to deal with, right now.

But oh how I would love to put that tool on the shelf, tuck it away, never to use again. I miss believing in everyone.

The Reason

It's interesting to find

I am blind to the fact

That I still think of you in my sleep

And it irks me to think

As I blink and I swear

That the hurt wasn't really that deep

Wide eyes and a smile

As I think for a while

Before I catch myself and step back

From a day like today

When things were okay

And my heart didn't function with a crack

Tears that pretend

They will mend what is now

Still here, still alive, still true

Even though I never say

Nor do my lips betray

A pride more important than you

A kiss is never worth

The heavens and the earth

Though forever is a possibility

But not enough to shake

What I know when I'm awake

Something that you will never see

So I'll sleep and I'll dream

And redeem you in the depths

But only to clear away the lie

For when I open my eyes

No sighs will conflict

And muted is the lull of why

Drums, here it comes

I'm trying to prove that young people listen to pop music for more than just a good melody, beat, or rhythm. That is my entire argument that I will do my best to prove within the next two years.

...and yet, I just took a breathing break from jumping around my room to "I Kissed a Girl". Knowing who I am...what does THAT say?

♪= ♥

I did not open a single book, review any notes, write up any assignments, study any chapters, or even contemplate work, grading assignments, writing e-mails, or preparing for future classes.

Today was all about music. and I LOVED it.

Questions and Reflections

Is it possible to be both the rocker and the responsible student?

I'm finding it difficult to plan a thesis, and keep the creative juices flowing into new music. Every time I begin humming a new tune that I think would sound great once it's laid down, I begin thinking of all the things that I have due. And, in classic namoname fashion, I singlehandedly pile one thing on top of the other in my head, until my fingertips can barely reach the top of the mountain I have created, and the prospective tune fizzles into nothing. Which is pretty funny considering the topic of my thesis. How can I systematically plan a paper that involves the power of the Pop Song when I can't even focus on finishing a single one these days?

In more positive news, I have victoriously passed through the fever/achey/sinus-y phase of the flu. I am now in the cough-my-brains-out/chest-on-fire phase, which is SO much better than Phase I. I mean that with no hint of sarcasm. Give me an ab workout any day, just leave my head alone.

It's funny. I was thinking today how last year at around this time I was very sick, almost the same as I am now. But I was so different. I was in a different place in my life, thinking of different things, writing different songs. Grad school was a dream. Teaching an even farther one. Another dream seemed closer than both of those things.

But here I am now, tackling the challenge of study with optimism, learning as I help others do the same. It's amazing how a year ago I felt the same physically, and yet now mentally, things couldn't be anymore different.

Clarity

This weekend was so confusing. I feel as if I have been drained of all emotion.

My sister got me sick and I have no motivation work on assignments.

I better get over this quick. All of it.

Everybody's Changing and I Don't Feel Right

It is so cold and wet outside today. I was planning to rent The Proposal and go to a friend of mine's for lunch and watch the movie before class tonight. However, as I pulled into the Blockbuster parking lot, I was bombarded with yellow and red signs screaming "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" and "30% OFF" and "FINAL SALE". I walked in and asked if they had any movies for rent. The guy behind the counter, around my age, replied, "No, just selling miss." He looked sad, but managed to reply so professionally. "Do you have The Proposal to buy then?" "No miss, just selling what we got."

I had heard him the first time, but you don't understand. This Blockbuster is where I've gone and made pre-midnight dashes with my little brother for the latest flick, where I purchased my copy of the Wedding Planner for no other reason than because it had already started on TV, where I go to aimlessly wander the isles looking for a captivating fantasy to take my mind off the day. Having them close is like losing something I didn't realize I had cared about for the last 11 years.

And it's not just that; everything is changing. I can't count how many friends of mine have lost their jobs in the last six months alone. I pray that they are okay and that this economic meltdown (that is supposedly getting better) makes a turn around soon.

Blockbuster looked so final and sad, almost resigned to its fate. Made me want to stop time.

I hate feelings!

Dear Mr. Major Feeling,

I don't mean to discriminate, but please forgive the hardwired, innate need I have to pretty much hate you and all feelings working under you. Well, I don't hate all members of your family, but I hate most of them. I'll provide you with some examples so you can keep them out of my freakin' way:

- Bad feelings

- Guilty feelings

- "I'm stupid" feelings

- "I make fucked up look alright" feelings

- Sad feelings

- Confused feelings

- "Did I just say that?" feelings

- "I need to hide" feelings

- "I need to eat" feelings

- "I don't need to eat, but I will" feelings

Please feel free to send other members of your family my way however; members like Good feelings, Assured feelings, Happy feelings, and my favorite: feelings that make you know that everything is gonna be ok.

*Sigh*

Signed,

No Name

Wow...

I'm learning how to say "No" pretty well now. 

No! 

Who woulda thunk it?

The joy is in the closure, not the journey (J).

I went for a five-mile hike today with a good friend of mine. A friend that I know I can pretty much count on if anything were to ever happen. We discussed many things; mostly our jobs, how she hates hers vs. how I'm finally happy with mine. We talked about my coursework vs. her endeavors to keep her life full by making a difference after the work chunk of her day. It was nice. 

The conversation veered into uncharted territory; where I get to explain why I conduct myself the way that I do when it comes to relationships, family, and love. With every yard, every bolder climbed, and with every accidental slip, I struggled with the words as I always do to explain who I am and why I decide what I decide. I swear sometimes when I hear myself talking, I think I'm one crazy human being.  Shit, when I THINK, I think I'm one crazy human being. 

I tried to remember to look up though as I walked the tricky path. It was nice to see the sun every once in a while.

1...2...3...4...

For the past 10 days, I haven't been able to have a good night's sleep. It may have to do with the fact that I ripped someone's heart out. Or it could also have to do with the tower of work I'm currently looking up at from down here, twiddling my thumbs, and just whistling. Could it be that I was blissfully distracted this summer and now it's kind of all catching up to me? Or am I just another screwed up human being with not enough to do and too much time on my hands?