♪= ♥

I did not open a single book, review any notes, write up any assignments, study any chapters, or even contemplate work, grading assignments, writing e-mails, or preparing for future classes.

Today was all about music. and I LOVED it.

Questions and Reflections

Is it possible to be both the rocker and the responsible student?

I'm finding it difficult to plan a thesis, and keep the creative juices flowing into new music. Every time I begin humming a new tune that I think would sound great once it's laid down, I begin thinking of all the things that I have due. And, in classic namoname fashion, I singlehandedly pile one thing on top of the other in my head, until my fingertips can barely reach the top of the mountain I have created, and the prospective tune fizzles into nothing. Which is pretty funny considering the topic of my thesis. How can I systematically plan a paper that involves the power of the Pop Song when I can't even focus on finishing a single one these days?

In more positive news, I have victoriously passed through the fever/achey/sinus-y phase of the flu. I am now in the cough-my-brains-out/chest-on-fire phase, which is SO much better than Phase I. I mean that with no hint of sarcasm. Give me an ab workout any day, just leave my head alone.

It's funny. I was thinking today how last year at around this time I was very sick, almost the same as I am now. But I was so different. I was in a different place in my life, thinking of different things, writing different songs. Grad school was a dream. Teaching an even farther one. Another dream seemed closer than both of those things.

But here I am now, tackling the challenge of study with optimism, learning as I help others do the same. It's amazing how a year ago I felt the same physically, and yet now mentally, things couldn't be anymore different.

Clarity

This weekend was so confusing. I feel as if I have been drained of all emotion.

My sister got me sick and I have no motivation work on assignments.

I better get over this quick. All of it.

Everybody's Changing and I Don't Feel Right

It is so cold and wet outside today. I was planning to rent The Proposal and go to a friend of mine's for lunch and watch the movie before class tonight. However, as I pulled into the Blockbuster parking lot, I was bombarded with yellow and red signs screaming "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" and "30% OFF" and "FINAL SALE". I walked in and asked if they had any movies for rent. The guy behind the counter, around my age, replied, "No, just selling miss." He looked sad, but managed to reply so professionally. "Do you have The Proposal to buy then?" "No miss, just selling what we got."

I had heard him the first time, but you don't understand. This Blockbuster is where I've gone and made pre-midnight dashes with my little brother for the latest flick, where I purchased my copy of the Wedding Planner for no other reason than because it had already started on TV, where I go to aimlessly wander the isles looking for a captivating fantasy to take my mind off the day. Having them close is like losing something I didn't realize I had cared about for the last 11 years.

And it's not just that; everything is changing. I can't count how many friends of mine have lost their jobs in the last six months alone. I pray that they are okay and that this economic meltdown (that is supposedly getting better) makes a turn around soon.

Blockbuster looked so final and sad, almost resigned to its fate. Made me want to stop time.

I hate feelings!

Dear Mr. Major Feeling,

I don't mean to discriminate, but please forgive the hardwired, innate need I have to pretty much hate you and all feelings working under you. Well, I don't hate all members of your family, but I hate most of them. I'll provide you with some examples so you can keep them out of my freakin' way:

- Bad feelings

- Guilty feelings

- "I'm stupid" feelings

- "I make fucked up look alright" feelings

- Sad feelings

- Confused feelings

- "Did I just say that?" feelings

- "I need to hide" feelings

- "I need to eat" feelings

- "I don't need to eat, but I will" feelings

Please feel free to send other members of your family my way however; members like Good feelings, Assured feelings, Happy feelings, and my favorite: feelings that make you know that everything is gonna be ok.

*Sigh*

Signed,

No Name

Wow...

I'm learning how to say "No" pretty well now. 

No! 

Who woulda thunk it?

The joy is in the closure, not the journey (J).

I went for a five-mile hike today with a good friend of mine. A friend that I know I can pretty much count on if anything were to ever happen. We discussed many things; mostly our jobs, how she hates hers vs. how I'm finally happy with mine. We talked about my coursework vs. her endeavors to keep her life full by making a difference after the work chunk of her day. It was nice. 

The conversation veered into uncharted territory; where I get to explain why I conduct myself the way that I do when it comes to relationships, family, and love. With every yard, every bolder climbed, and with every accidental slip, I struggled with the words as I always do to explain who I am and why I decide what I decide. I swear sometimes when I hear myself talking, I think I'm one crazy human being.  Shit, when I THINK, I think I'm one crazy human being. 

I tried to remember to look up though as I walked the tricky path. It was nice to see the sun every once in a while.

1...2...3...4...

For the past 10 days, I haven't been able to have a good night's sleep. It may have to do with the fact that I ripped someone's heart out. Or it could also have to do with the tower of work I'm currently looking up at from down here, twiddling my thumbs, and just whistling. Could it be that I was blissfully distracted this summer and now it's kind of all catching up to me? Or am I just another screwed up human being with not enough to do and too much time on my hands?