The Past and the Future

I am at a crossroads in my life. Taking the time to breathe in and out at times like these gives me peace.

It's happened before, and it will surely happen again. However, there are decision-related crossroads, and then there are don't-mind-fuck-with-me crossroads. Yeah, I'm at that one.

I'm not the type of person who feeds off of people's pain. I don't purposely try to hurt others to make myself feel better, and I fully believe that good should be paid forward, 110% of the time, and that that's life. That's how it should be. We will struggle, we will fall, but at the end of the day, we should be the best versions of ourselves, because the way we choose to be is the image that lives in the minds and memories of others, and THAT image, is you.

I have been dealing with a specific situation my whole life, that has been nothing but a burden, and has always been filled with pain. There is one fond memory that I have with this person, when I was on an amusement park ride, with my hands raised in the air, the breeze blowing my pigtails back, my smile so broad that my cheeks hurt. And I remember thinking, "If I had the power to freeze time, I would freeze it at this moment."

But alas, that moment passed, and now I'm here. Many, many years later, reality is unkind.

I am not a hater, I am a lover who probably loves too much, too fast, too deeply. But it is who I am.

I do hate some things though.

I hate broken promises. I hate it when people don't carry out something they said they would. I hate irresponsibility. I hate people who victimize themselves, instead of owning up to their mistakes. I hate people who don't follow through. I hate having my heart broken every time, like it's the first time.

I hate who I am sometimes...

This is a joyous time for me. It is a happy time filled with challenges, good memories, and I have a man in my life that has lifted a thick veil that has been over my eyes for so long, and in so doing, has made everything beautiful again. I am truly blessed. And it is the thought of that blessing that helps me breathe in and out at times like these.