Oh boy...

These are the types of posts I usually regret.

The types that hold memories of better times, during the worst of times, and hurt like hell if I come across them in the future, when things go to shit.

But oh boy...

I have never been so not scared in my life. Every event becomes a conversation we will have, every incident becomes an anecdote to be analyzed in confidence. Every laugh is missing something if it isn't shared, and every thought is linked to the next moment of connection.

Oh boy...

I have always outwardly expressed that when it comes to love, I'm not really sure what it is. Is it butterflies? Tongue-tied to the point of sounding like you have a speech impediment? Or is it a thought process that goes a mile a minute, a heartbeat that races a mile a second?

Because if that's what it is, that is not what I'm currently feeling. Because what I am feeling right now is a quietly brilliant bond between hearts. A stimulating dialogue that doesn't need words, although it often contains them. A dull ache taking refuge in a deep, intangible part of my being. A gentle whisper of something not only growing into the sky, but laying down deep roots into soft, earthy ground.

My heart does jump though if I'm being honest. Oh no. This is so not good...

%$#@^&*%

Two things have irked me within the past 24 hours.

The first is how people are genetically programmed to disappoint you. I'm serious! Don't you know that one person that you keep hoping would change, but never does? Instead, you are provided with excuses in the form of pseudo-valid reasons, empty apologies, and if you are REALLY lucky, a slick turning of the tables to make it seem like it's YOUR fault for even thinking of feeling the way that you do, about whatever the hell it is. What irks me the most is my undying belief in the greater good, in the philosophy that "someday, they will come around." Talk about fool me twice. Or a hundred times, actually.

Second, I am severely SEVERELY upset with the constant back and forth between myself and people that shall remain nameless. I am exhausted by the mere circumstances that we find ourselves in, and drained by the effort it takes to not only make myself feel okay, but to make them feel okay too. And I care too much. Which makes it worse. I think that's what makes it so hard.

Such an incomplete jumble of thoughts. But there it is, as messy in it's virtual nature as it is in my head. Bleh.

Vision

I bit my tongue so hard today that I almost bled.

And it wasn't because I take pleasure in hurting myself. I was trying to stop the tears from clouding my vision into oblivion as I watched my best friend try on her first wedding dress. That's when it hit me. As I was looking at her, I realized the true meaning of the words, "Life is a gift." Here she was, experiencing this magnificent moment of getting ready to spend the rest of her life with the person she loved most in the world. A man who I know based on my own witnessing will take care of her as long as they both shall live (no pun intended). And not just in the obligatory sort of way, but in the way that gives without expecting to take in return. I envisioned their children and their life together as they grow older. Life truly is a gift. This was the perfect example of what we don't see, when we are out of touch with the blessing around us.

And life is not merely a gift, but it is also an adventure. I think of how my mother moved across the world by herself to complete her degree in a completely foreign land. I think of her having three kids, watching them grow and being a part of their accomplishments and success. Life is such an adventure; in all it's impatience, craziness, heartbreak, and beauty. It is so beautiful.

And as I stood there, facing a side mirror pretending to fix eyeliner that had "seeped" into my eye, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I almost spontaneously combusted. And in that moment, I thanked God in the quietest, most secluded part of my heart. I thanked Him because I don't do it enough. And I thanked Him for letting me sneak a peak at the true beauty of the gift He bestowed upon us, in the form of a rock solid example, of Life and one of it's smallest of miracles.

Something Amazing

"You know," she turned around to face me in the line, "I think this year is gonna be good for us." She smiled in a way that made me believe it. An internal churning began with a little stomach flip. The espresso aroma seemed more powerful in that moment as we waited for our drinks; the colors more vivid. "Really?" I asked. "Really," she responded with quiet confidence, "just you wait and see."

That was exactly one year ago, December 19, 2008. It was a bitter cold evening after work, and we chose to get coffee instead of dinner. It was that kind of day. Leave it to caffeine to be the Muslim girl's crutch.

Since that conversation, I found that I have been mentally cataloging certain things that have happened over the year. February, when my music received recognition on MySpace. May, the contract, my spontaneous Egypt trip that changed everything, and my getaway trip to Chicago where the silence and many miles of walking were therapeutic; almost a rite of passage to process my trip to the homeland. July, an ending and beginning of many things: my aunt and cousins, laughter and tears. August, a romantic vacation where I finally gave in to many thoughts I'd been having. September, heartbreak (of a different kind) and yet another new beginning, and the past three months being a combination of self-realization, actualization, and rediscovery.

Since our conversation, my friend has experienced her own share of changes, and it truly is something amazing. Because as we look back on the year together, we realize how much change has actually occurred. And that's probably how it's like every year. We go through these changes, but never take the time to truly acknowledge our blessings, our milestones, and even some things that we considered failures, but later realize that they were successes in disguise.

"God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, he gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you're meant to be."

I can't help but wonder: what will I write one year from today?

That Song

Have you ever heard a song that makes your heart break?

It begins as you're undoubtedly tapping your feet and slightly bobbing your head to a song you're listening to. Something about the beat forces your hips to sway (usually in the confinement of a chair, or worse, into someone who is sitting next to you on a bus or a train), or something about the melody makes the corners of your lips turn up just so.

Once the glorious arrangement of chords in music fades, in comes a transition you did not expect. Your iPod is on shuffle after all; it shouldn't really be a surprise. Oh but still, your breath catches in the back of your throat, your facial expression tenses just so. The song begins it's familiar tones, slow at first, or at least seemingly that way. A solo you have memorized despite yourself, forever engrained into the depths of your mind and the tips of your fingers.

You breathe in but it doesn't go in all the way. Something makes it stop. And despite yourself once again, memories rush back. Not in perfect arrangement or chronological fashion, but jarred and snippet-like. Laughter, anger, pain, longing, anger, hurt, smiles, thoughts, dreams. The worst are the dreams. So you force your eyes shut against the harsh reality and pretend for just a moment to transcend back in time to a place when things were different. The solo gives away to the real beginning of the song and against your own will, you give in to the music, that familiar, familiar music for just a moment. After all, you deserve that much.

Then you force your thumb to the skip button and transition to another one of your favorites; only this time memories aren't dripping from every note. You try to breath in once again, and this time, it's a little bit better. You try to move forward in your mind, but you catch a reflection in the window and you see that frowns still frame your eyebrows, pain still reflects in your eyes, and tension still possesses your lips. And you are angry with yourself.

Because your heart still breaks when you hear that song.

Run and Hide Refugee

In my younger years (i.e. 3 years ago) and even before that, I was the girl who believed in everyone. Not in a silly gullible way, but with a profound and rooted belief in the basic good of people. This foundation has always been enough of a reason for me when dealing with anyone. People are basically good, and if they act otherwise, it is due to a brief moment of weakness or bad influence, however it is not who they are. Never is it who they really are!

However, one overseas trip, one lost best friend, and two heartbreaks later, I must admit that things aren't quite as crystal clear as they used to be. I have become suspicious. I jump to negative conclusions instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. I instantaneously question the motives of others and have to manually step back and force myself to think otherwise.

And it makes me sad.

It makes me sad because it's a lie. I am not this person. However, I have created this facet of myself to defend against that brief moment of weakness, that bad influence that emanates from certain people. It's the only way to keep that shred of what I used to believe in alive; on a shelf tucked away, protected from the world.

However in a way, it's comforting.

It's comforting that I know this. This awareness is better than a big fat question mark as to why I have become this way. It's comforting to know that this is not a permanent change per say, but a tool to deal when I need to deal with, right now.

But oh how I would love to put that tool on the shelf, tuck it away, never to use again. I miss believing in everyone.

The Reason

It's interesting to find

I am blind to the fact

That I still think of you in my sleep

And it irks me to think

As I blink and I swear

That the hurt wasn't really that deep

Wide eyes and a smile

As I think for a while

Before I catch myself and step back

From a day like today

When things were okay

And my heart didn't function with a crack

Tears that pretend

They will mend what is now

Still here, still alive, still true

Even though I never say

Nor do my lips betray

A pride more important than you

A kiss is never worth

The heavens and the earth

Though forever is a possibility

But not enough to shake

What I know when I'm awake

Something that you will never see

So I'll sleep and I'll dream

And redeem you in the depths

But only to clear away the lie

For when I open my eyes

No sighs will conflict

And muted is the lull of why