In my younger years (i.e. 3 years ago) and even before that, I was the girl who believed in everyone. Not in a silly gullible way, but with a profound and rooted belief in the basic good of people. This foundation has always been enough of a reason for me when dealing with anyone. People are basically good, and if they act otherwise, it is due to a brief moment of weakness or bad influence, however it is not who they are. Never is it who they really are!
However, one overseas trip, one lost best friend, and two heartbreaks later, I must admit that things aren't quite as crystal clear as they used to be. I have become suspicious. I jump to negative conclusions instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. I instantaneously question the motives of others and have to manually step back and force myself to think otherwise.
And it makes me sad.
It makes me sad because it's a lie. I am not this person. However, I have created this facet of myself to defend against that brief moment of weakness, that bad influence that emanates from certain people. It's the only way to keep that shred of what I used to believe in alive; on a shelf tucked away, protected from the world.
However in a way, it's comforting.
It's comforting that I know this. This awareness is better than a big fat question mark as to why I have become this way. It's comforting to know that this is not a permanent change per say, but a tool to deal when I need to deal with, right now.
But oh how I would love to put that tool on the shelf, tuck it away, never to use again. I miss believing in everyone.
I think it'll change with time, and you'll go back to believing in the good of people.
ReplyDeleteThings happen that change our perspective of pretty much everything.It's a normal human reaction right? Like putting up defensive walls per say.
But I think the changes are temporary.
I hope so..
ReplyDelete