It Burns

It burns
Like a cold fire
In a place you cannot see
In a place you cannot reach

It hurts
Like vicious words unexpected
Like tears that come unelected
Like betrayal from an unlikely source
Like a pretty dream that was just a dream

It stings
Like the first tears to leave your eyes
Like water in a wound
Like pain that you weren’t bracing yourself against

It’s expected
Like the calm before a storm
Like the sun in the morning
Like the darkness at night

But still it burns
Like the words that were said
In a memory that was bred
To be forever repeating
In your pretty little head

Changes

It's weird.

There are some changes in life that are so definite, that you know that you can never go back to the way things were before that change.

This weekend, my cousin got married. And although we spent the day before running around, giggling, tearing up, I didn't realize then that that was the last time it would be like this, in this way. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like the time when my other cousin told me that things would always be different once she got married, and I was horrified and saddened. I mean it's one of those things where this cousin and I always made wacky plans to meet spontaneously, hook up in different states, and just craziness. It was never easy, because we currently -- I mean used to -- live 7 hours apart (a drive). Now, we will be 18 hours apart (which was like before really, when she was doing her undergrad), but she's gonna be married. And although we promised each other we would still be silly and do fun things, I couldn't help but realize just a few minutes ago, as I was standing in her empty room, the gap that her lack of presence was leaving behind. I turned to my right and saw her wedding dress hanging in the closet. I looked to my left and saw one of her guitars leaning against the wall. I saw the movies we had watched together on top of her TV. And I saw her yoga mat on the floor. And I think that's when it hit me. Things would never be the same again.

And I felt like a mom!! Haha, I felt like her baby self was gone, and that the next time I see her, she would be different. And I say this without an ounce of sadness although it might seem like that. But as I was wiping my eyes like an idiot, I was overwhelmed with love and a feeling I can't describe. Most likely happiness. Also most likely missing her already.

I go back to Philadelphia in a couple of hours and I'm going straight to my best friend's house, who is getting married this Sunday inshaa Allah. And I can't help but hope that it won't be as hard as this wedding. I don't think I can take so much emotional drama within a two week period :)

8 Things I Learned in North Carolina

I took a spontaneous trip to North Carolina this weekend. I jammed with my cousin, ate out at too many places, had too much sugar, and listened to some awesome bands preform. Besides that, the trip did something I didn't expect it to do. Here are some things I learned while in North Carolina:

1) I had always known my cousin was a wonderful conversationalist, but I never experienced conversations as wonderful as that ones we had while I was there this weekend. She was kind, thoughtful, and amazingly present in the moment with me. I will appreciate her kindness this weekend for the rest of my life.

2) Live music doesn't necessarily sound so great on a CD :)

3) Don't compliment the bass player. Never compliment the bass player.

4) Sometimes we have to make difficult choices, even when seemingly, there are no choices to be made.

5) Just because he looks good on paper, doesn't mean he's good for you.

6) In relationships, there are fundamental similarities that have to be present in order for the relationship to work. Sometimes time apart, sheds light on those fundamental necessities (or lack thereof), thereby making you see things differently. I saw things differently this weekend.

7) Next time I fall for someone, I'll make sure I'm not settling. I also won't be the only one doing the compromising.

8) And life is GOOD. Music is GOOD. and God is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful. I have faith in His plan, and look forward to what is to come.

:)

Faults

My name is mona and I have a problem.

I am super needy.

Now, you may think that this would be a difficult thing for me to admit, but it really isn't. I know exactly what my faults are. Completely. Matter of fact, I'll list them for you:

1) I have a horrible temper (that I cover up with a smile and a poisonous dose of internalization)

2) I am insecure (but you'd never be able to tell)

3) I am needy (although I show the opposite of that by ignoring you, not calling you, or basically pretending that you don't exist for a while)

4) I am a control freak (but I appear to be easy going even though I'm screaming inside because you can't do it right)

There are many others, but I'll spare you the details. My point is you never really know who a person is unless you interact with them and get to know them. I find myself at a crossroads everyday, thinking about interactions I have with people, as I get to know them. Are they genuine? Are they being sincere?

Are they worth it?

Another one of my many faults is a damp, cold fear I have in the bit of my stomach of making mistakes. The constant pressure to succeed and be the best (placed by myself, on myself, and by no one else to be honest) takes its toll. And instead of risking making a mistake, I'll pre-emptively take action. Which is also another one of my faults.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that tonight I find myself at a crossroads from thinking too much, because I'd rather not deal with pressing matters, and think about things that aren't pressing at all (realistically)...but they are...to me. And as I ponder pre-emptive action, I can't help but be afraid. However this time, it is not a fear of making a mistake. It is a fear of making a decision, and having that decision be the mistake.

Hi, I'm mona and I have a problem. A big one. And that problem is me.

Oh boy...

These are the types of posts I usually regret.

The types that hold memories of better times, during the worst of times, and hurt like hell if I come across them in the future, when things go to shit.

But oh boy...

I have never been so not scared in my life. Every event becomes a conversation we will have, every incident becomes an anecdote to be analyzed in confidence. Every laugh is missing something if it isn't shared, and every thought is linked to the next moment of connection.

Oh boy...

I have always outwardly expressed that when it comes to love, I'm not really sure what it is. Is it butterflies? Tongue-tied to the point of sounding like you have a speech impediment? Or is it a thought process that goes a mile a minute, a heartbeat that races a mile a second?

Because if that's what it is, that is not what I'm currently feeling. Because what I am feeling right now is a quietly brilliant bond between hearts. A stimulating dialogue that doesn't need words, although it often contains them. A dull ache taking refuge in a deep, intangible part of my being. A gentle whisper of something not only growing into the sky, but laying down deep roots into soft, earthy ground.

My heart does jump though if I'm being honest. Oh no. This is so not good...

%$#@^&*%

Two things have irked me within the past 24 hours.

The first is how people are genetically programmed to disappoint you. I'm serious! Don't you know that one person that you keep hoping would change, but never does? Instead, you are provided with excuses in the form of pseudo-valid reasons, empty apologies, and if you are REALLY lucky, a slick turning of the tables to make it seem like it's YOUR fault for even thinking of feeling the way that you do, about whatever the hell it is. What irks me the most is my undying belief in the greater good, in the philosophy that "someday, they will come around." Talk about fool me twice. Or a hundred times, actually.

Second, I am severely SEVERELY upset with the constant back and forth between myself and people that shall remain nameless. I am exhausted by the mere circumstances that we find ourselves in, and drained by the effort it takes to not only make myself feel okay, but to make them feel okay too. And I care too much. Which makes it worse. I think that's what makes it so hard.

Such an incomplete jumble of thoughts. But there it is, as messy in it's virtual nature as it is in my head. Bleh.

Vision

I bit my tongue so hard today that I almost bled.

And it wasn't because I take pleasure in hurting myself. I was trying to stop the tears from clouding my vision into oblivion as I watched my best friend try on her first wedding dress. That's when it hit me. As I was looking at her, I realized the true meaning of the words, "Life is a gift." Here she was, experiencing this magnificent moment of getting ready to spend the rest of her life with the person she loved most in the world. A man who I know based on my own witnessing will take care of her as long as they both shall live (no pun intended). And not just in the obligatory sort of way, but in the way that gives without expecting to take in return. I envisioned their children and their life together as they grow older. Life truly is a gift. This was the perfect example of what we don't see, when we are out of touch with the blessing around us.

And life is not merely a gift, but it is also an adventure. I think of how my mother moved across the world by herself to complete her degree in a completely foreign land. I think of her having three kids, watching them grow and being a part of their accomplishments and success. Life is such an adventure; in all it's impatience, craziness, heartbreak, and beauty. It is so beautiful.

And as I stood there, facing a side mirror pretending to fix eyeliner that had "seeped" into my eye, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I almost spontaneously combusted. And in that moment, I thanked God in the quietest, most secluded part of my heart. I thanked Him because I don't do it enough. And I thanked Him for letting me sneak a peak at the true beauty of the gift He bestowed upon us, in the form of a rock solid example, of Life and one of it's smallest of miracles.