It's weird.
There are some changes in life that are so definite, that you know that you can never go back to the way things were before that change.
This weekend, my cousin got married. And although we spent the day before running around, giggling, tearing up, I didn't realize then that that was the last time it would be like this, in this way. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like the time when my other cousin told me that things would always be different once she got married, and I was horrified and saddened. I mean it's one of those things where this cousin and I always made wacky plans to meet spontaneously, hook up in different states, and just craziness. It was never easy, because we currently -- I mean used to -- live 7 hours apart (a drive). Now, we will be 18 hours apart (which was like before really, when she was doing her undergrad), but she's gonna be married. And although we promised each other we would still be silly and do fun things, I couldn't help but realize just a few minutes ago, as I was standing in her empty room, the gap that her lack of presence was leaving behind. I turned to my right and saw her wedding dress hanging in the closet. I looked to my left and saw one of her guitars leaning against the wall. I saw the movies we had watched together on top of her TV. And I saw her yoga mat on the floor. And I think that's when it hit me. Things would never be the same again.
And I felt like a mom!! Haha, I felt like her baby self was gone, and that the next time I see her, she would be different. And I say this without an ounce of sadness although it might seem like that. But as I was wiping my eyes like an idiot, I was overwhelmed with love and a feeling I can't describe. Most likely happiness. Also most likely missing her already.
I go back to Philadelphia in a couple of hours and I'm going straight to my best friend's house, who is getting married this Sunday inshaa Allah. And I can't help but hope that it won't be as hard as this wedding. I don't think I can take so much emotional drama within a two week period :)
Aww, ana nafsy teared up as I read this!
ReplyDeleteYes, some change can really be bittersweet but you know how it is I mean life goes on and we all start and end different chapters of it.
IsA in the future when you guys have your own kids you could hang out and do silly things again like the old days haha.
And then you'll just make newer memories =)
Thanks Engi, that's a good thing to think of :) <3
ReplyDeleteMona!!! I just came around snooping on your blog for the first time (how did I remain outside of this loop?!), and here I see you wrote such beautiful words about my wedding. I went to a middle and high school friend's wedding last month, and remarked to Tariq how there's a bit of sadness in weddings--that feeling of loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling the same way about you these days, lady, and I truly miss you.
Wacky and spontaneous is a good way to describe our meetings. I'm telling you, it doesn't have to end. The scheming will live on, inshaaAllah.
Anyway, I love you. And the feelings you described in your blogpost are exactly what have prompted my umpteen facebook messages and awkward voicemails--which rambled on, or were mysteriously short, but really should have been saying all along--Hey single lady! I want to talk to you while you're still the single you!
So call me yo. I got time. :)
PS we totally don't have to wait until we have kids to be silly again. LOL.
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3